Saving your virginity until marriage? 8 ways you may be sabotaging yourself.
Regardless of your reason whether it be religious or personal, can the idea of saving your virginity until marriage actually set you up for failure? Hear me out before you curse me out. I’m not going to talk someone out of this but will like to open your eyes to a different and realistic side to it. For most women, saving themselves for marriage is seen as virtuous, a way of respecting yourself and your body, and hopefully gaining respect from potential suitors. It can be seen as a deterrent to men who are not ready for marriage, who are not serious, or simply playing games. Perhaps it’ll save you the heart break, the embarrassment, or shame if you wait on “the one”. But can holding out on sex before marriage hold you back from finding the right one? In some way it’s can, if you go about it the wrong way. Here are the top 8 ways you may be sabotaging yourself.
1. You think you’re a cow.
You know the saying “why buy the cow if the milk is free”? First of all, the milk isn’t ever really free, is it? Are they not paying for dinner? Movies? Dates? Also, getting caught up on this can give you a false sense of security. True, you are not “giving milk away for free” until he “buys the cow” but the cow (okay, this is getting confusing) could still get hurt, lied to, and cheated on. Don’t pay so much attention to this one detail that you miss other red flags.
2. You’re in a race.
Sure, you may not rush into bed together but most couples that are waiting until marriage tend to shorten the length of time they court/date each other. Maybe you feel pressure that he may not wait? Maybe the temptation in a long term relationship is too much? You won’t rush into sex, but you would rush to the alter? Take your time!
3. You’re avoiding the elephant in the room.
The cow, now the elephant. I don’t know, I don’t make these terms up. But either way, if you’re choosing not to have sex that doesn’t mean you need to avoid the topic of sex. You should still have in depth conversations about sex so you avoid surprises later on. For instance, the amount of sexual partners he’s had, has he been safe?, what he’s into, what he’s not into, what he imagines your wedding night as?
4. You’re living in a fairytale.
Speaking of the night of your wedding, don’t believe what you’ve seen in movies or read in romance novels. It can be scary, nerve racking, painful, and a bit awkward. You should go in (no pun intended) as educated and prepared as possible. Talk to your doctor or your friends and get honest advice.
5. You’re navigating away from the truth.
As you are going along and trying your best to avoid sex you may be avoiding a lot of other opportunities to get to know him as well. No, I’m not suggesting that you have to have sex with someone to truly know them or love them BUT since avoiding sex may take a lot of activities off of the table (depending on your beliefs or level of comfortability) like getaways/trips, spending alone time together, and so on, you may be cheating yourself out of seeing him for who he really is. Also, inadvertently you may be hiding who you really are. If your will power is strong enough and he respects you, I would say let your hair down, take your make up off, and let him see who you really are. Let him see you in different aspects of your life and vice versa. Spend a lot of time together.
6. You might have an ego.
Don’t think just because you’re making him wait, means you’re automatically going to get his respect. It also doesn’t guarantee that you are better than or higher than women he’s been with before. If you walk into a relationship feeling this way, you may let your ego lead the way instead of your heart. You may expect the type of love that you are not giving.
7. Patience does not equal love.
Just because he waited or is waiting does not mean you have sifted out all of the “bad eggs” (again, I don’t make these sayings up). This is not a guarantee that he is the one for you. Focusing all your energy on just finding a guy that can wait, does not mean you should ignore your gut feelings or other red flags that occur along the way.
8. You’re putting too much pressure too soon.
Sure, he may not be pressuring you for sex but you may be pressuring him to propose. Often times women in this situation expect a man to know you’re the “one” relatively quickly. Or you are serious from the beginning. A relationship should be allowed to take its course. Sure, you’re dating for marriage but not everyone you date should feel that pressure so soon. Pressuring a man into marriage is never a good idea. When he’s ready, he’ll let you know.
Again, I’m not saying you should have see before marriage, but if you are going to wait, you should still explore each other very deeply in other ways. You should still allow enough time to get to know each other. You should still let your guard down though your bedroom door is locked.