relationships

You may need to adjust your “filters” in order to find your true love.

They key to finding your true love, may be adjusting your "filters".


Are you habitually single or seem to be having trouble finding “the one”? If you’ve hit a wall in your love life you might want to listen up. You may be in a rut and it may be your fault. You might be sabotaging your love life. Yes, I’m speaking to you. Perhaps even those close to you may have noticed that you have a type or seem to be dating the same kind of person repeatedly. You might think you know the exact kind of person that’ll be perfect for you, which is probably why you keep looking in the same pond, but you might need to reconsider what you think you want versus what you need. It’s common for us to have a list of qualities we hope to find in someone, but can this list be the very reason you haven’t found the love of your life?

“You might think you know the exact kind of person that’ll be perfect for you, which is probably why you keep looking in the same pond.”


On a recent episode of Fox’s daytime talk show “The Real” the ladies at the girl chat table shared their thoughts and personal experience with this very idea. Adrienne Houghton, one of the co-hosts, said that having a list is similar to checking off filters on websites like Air bnb and Zillow while searching for apartments. She explained, checking off how many bedrooms, bathrooms or amenities you want, sometimes limits your results. Similarly, she encourages her single girlfriends to change their “filters” while dating and looking for “the one”. You may need to broaden your search. Adrienne admits, “If I’m honest when I got out of my last relationship I was saying, I will never date somebody that has kids. The next guy I date he’ll never be married before. And all these things. I want him to be at least 6 feet tall. And I actually ended up with someone who has more children than my last relationship. Okay? And he is hands down the best thing that has ever happened to me.”


According to Adrienne, if she had stuck to her list or “filters” as she referred to them as, it’s safe to say she would not be happily married right now. She continued “I have so manly girlfriends that are missing out on so many options out there because they have their minds stuck on something very specific and maybe that’s not what God has for you. Maybe if you just open up the blinders just a little bit. Date outside of your race.”

“You’re limiting yourself but having way too many “filters”.”


She mentions that you may think you’ll never date someone much older than you perhaps a 40 year old is your limit but what if the person you’re meant to be with is 41? Or even 45? You’re limiting yourself by having way too many “filters”. Her other co-hosts, Jeannie Mai and Tamara Mowry also have similar experiences. Jeannie chimed in “I made a list in my twenties where I was like, this is what I want. Get ready God. And I made a list of every thing I wanted. And guess what? God was ten steps ahead of me and he hooked me up with a man that had everything I needed.” 

She continued “If you walk around having a list of, he’s not tall enough or he’s in transition. You give off a vibe of thirst number one and you give off a energy of insecurity because you’re constantly looking for somebody who will fulfill you.”
Yes. It got pretty deep at the girl chat table. Tamara opened up about her unhealthy habit in the past of always falling for “pretty bad boys”. And in the end she found happiness with a good guy. 

“We are all a work in progress and should not expect to find someone that perfectly matches a list we’ve written up merely on speculation.”

Though these ladies may not be relationship experts, they’re definitely on to something. We all have standards and are entitled to have some, but sometimes they can be unrealistic. Or worse, keep us from finding the right person. For instance, I think it’s safe to say, most of us would prefer to find someone who has not been divorced, who does not have children, and has a stable career. Perhaps on your list, you have even more specific expectations such as age, race, body type, and religion. But what if your perfect match is slightly off or missing a few of the qualities on your list? You may be dismissing or ignoring the very person you’d be happiest with. 

More often than not, we have no idea what we really need or what our perfect match will really be like. What we need isn’t always what we are asking for. If you seem to be falling for the same type and it’s not working out for you or perhaps you’re being selective until you find that one person who meets all of your requirements, you may be standing in you’re own way of finding love.

“We are all a work in progress and should not expect to find someone that perfectly matches a list we’ve written up merely on speculation.”

I’m not saying you should lower your standards but rather expand your options. Think of what you have to offer and now image someone judging you or dismissing you purely on qualities you lacked. We are all a work in progress and should not expect to find someone that perfectly matches a list we’ve written up merely on speculation. Your true love is definitely out there, it may be just a matter of looking at the broader picture, to find them.

“You can’t write down chemistry.”

Personally, I had a list too. And you know what? Yep, I was way off, also. I wanted someone who was funny for instance, some  one who would make me laugh all the time. Which is why I usually dated the class clowns, but those relationships never worked out and I ended up begging them to be more serious. Ironically, now I’m the funny one in my marriage. It’s weird. My husband, maybe, has 20% of the qualities on my list and I’m sure I would come up short if I compare myself to his list. You can’t write down chemistry. 

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Link below for clips from girl chat on “The Real”.

The Real-Dating fantasy part 1

The Real-dating fantasy part 2

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