I used to be that super-jealous girlfriend.
I have to admit, I really don’t like the girl I used to be. It’s embarrassing—the way I thought, the things I said, the things I did. It kills me to admit it, but once upon a time I was that girl—the super jealous girlfriend. I wasn’t always this way, in fact, like most girls I started out way too trusting. I was in a long term relationship when I was a teenager. If I’m honest, I knew deep down something wasn’t right but I stayed because I was waiting for that “big explosion” to happen. I thought, that was the only way relationships ended, that something big had to tear us a part. I was young. When that relationship finally ended, all of a sudden things came to the light. I realized I was way too trusting. I never asked my ex-boyfriend where he was or who he was with. I never questioned when he wasn’t available or around. I never realized he was basically living a double life, to make a long story short.
“I was surrounded by girls that thought they were not good enough. And so, I felt all of those things too.”
I carried that with me into my next relationship and vowed to never be that naive again. But, I went overboard. In an effort to protect myself, I became a jealous and overly suspicious girlfriend. It didn’t help that most of my friends were catching their boyfriends with other women and most of my friends were just as jaded as I was. It didn’t help that I was really insecure and all of the girls in my circle were also. So, I was surrounded by girls that doubted and questioned themselves. I was surrounded by girls that thought they were not good enough. And so, I felt all of those things too.
I was suspicious of every girl my boyfriend was around or associated with. Would he fall for them? Would be cheat on me? That’s all I worried about. I just didn’t want to be taken for a fool. I didn’t trust his friends. I questioned what he was up to even when I knew for a fact that he was at work. Does any of this sound familiar to any of you? If so, I know how horrible it is. If not, if you know someone who meets this criteria for a jealous girlfriend, give her a break. I’ve been categorized as a hater, crazy, and nuts. But, I was just a girl who hadn’t fallen in love with herself yet.
I wish I could tell you I snapped out of it quickly. But, it took years. Eventually I realized that though transparency is important in a relationship, monitoring someone to remain faithful, is a waste of time. Perhaps most importantly, i realized my value. I was trying so hard to keep my boyfriends and was so afraid I’d lose them, I hadn’t even thought that I would be a great loss too. Unfortunately, my behavior in the past has tarnished my reputation but I’ve grown so much since my early twenties.
It’s hard in our society because a faithful man is a unicorn—so impossible to find, it’s like they don’t exist. We’re kind of forced into this thinking that we must monitor our men, and ward off other women. It’s a hard idea to let go of. But eventually, through loving myself I began to recognize love more easily and I now knew when I was being loved or when I’m wasn’t. I don’t make excuses for the way people treat me and I don’t believe in being “half-loved”. I have learned that I can’t force anyone to love me but I can chose what I put up with. In the end, the people that are in my life are a reflection of me. I am worthy of love and luckily, that boyfriend (who put up with my jealous ways) became my husband.
Even though I was a jealous and insecure teen when we started dating, some how he stuck by me in this journey to self discovery. He didn’t come out unscathed and it was really challenging. But when I finally loved myself, the green eye monster in me died. It’s not to say that I go about my life thinking I can never be betrayed, but it’s knowing that if it unfortunately happened, I’d be okay. My husband and I don’t have a perfect relationship but we respect each other and we take trust very seriously. I feel as though I’m with someone who makes himself available and vulnerable to me, and it’s not something I have to force.
I made myself a priority. I made sure I respected myself. And I feel like, when all of that aligned, I surrounded myself with people who respected and loved me. So I’ve lost a lot of people along the way. I truly believe we attract the energy that we give off. We accept what we think we deserve. It’s really easy to walk away from negativity when you feel that you deserve better and not that you are unworthy. I don’t ask for people to respect, love, or remain faithful, I just don’t accept any less.