Being the “cool gf” is overrated.
I mentioned in a previous post that I was that overly jealous girlfriend. During that time I constantly compared myself to other women that were labeled as the “cool girlfriend”. You know, the type that isn’t too clingy, doesn’t question where her boyfriend is or who he’s with. She gets along really well with his friends and they’re over all the time, she’s super relaxed and laid back about everything. The cool girlfriend doesn’t care about how late you stay out, if you’re at strip club or still friends with your ex. She’s into sports, she doesn’t say “we need to talk”, she’s available but is totally okay if you’re not. She’s open to threesomes, anal, and is the sexiest tomboy ever. She drinks beer and eats wings by the dozen but remains fit AF. The cool girlfriend doesn’t ask a lot of questions and she’s not emotional. It seems like every girl aspires to be “cool” for guys and every guy wants the “cool” girlfriend.
I felt pressure to be that cool girlfriend. I knew being an insecure jealous girlfriend wasn’t right, it sucked. So, I figured, these girls…the cool girlfriends, must be on to something. I knew a few of these girls personally. And on the surface their relationships seemed more stable. They were not fighting over where their boyfriends were, who their boyfriends were with, why they didn’t return their calls. They seemed like they lived practically separate lives and I thought, these girls must be really confident. They were busy with girls nights and their boyfriends were busy with guys nights, they both went on separate getaways and trips more often than with each other. Sometimes their boyfriends would be M.I.A and they were cool with it. Their boyfriends would forget Valentine’s Day or cancel plans and they’d be understanding. They sort of, seemed like they were casually dating, constantly in that “new relationship phase” where things were hot and heavy but not too serious. And as time passed, I eventually grew out of my jealous girlfriend phase but transitioning into the cool girlfriend phase was just not happening.
Whenever I tried to be the cool girlfriend, I felt like I was drowning. Trying not to care about where my relationship was going wasn’t natural to me. I needed reassurance that it was serious and not just something to pass the time. I needed to know if we were on the same page or not. Trying to not be too clingy by pretending to be busy was stupid. Whenever I wasn’t busy, I just wanted to be with my boyfriend. Trying not to get mad when my boyfriend got black-out-drunk and had no idea what he had done that night before made me sick. And no, I was not okay with him being cool with his ex, no matter how confident it would make me seem.
Being the cool girlfriend is so overrated and so one sided. As a woman, we’re always announcing where we are going. It’s something we grow up doing—letting our parents and friends know where we are just in case. We’re pretty transparent with what we’re doing. Honestly the only times I wasn’t honest about my whereabouts as a teen was when I was up to no good. And I would lie or be secretive to my parents. As an adult, there’s really nothing to hide and so, I continued announcing where I was going. As a women, we’re taught to do this but for men, it’s not the same. It’s seen as a form of control or that they are not being trusted. So my boyfriend always knew where I was, not because I was seeking approval but because I had nothing to hide.
And I took my relationship seriously and sometimes I had to pull out the “we need to talk” card. For men, taking a relationship seriously makes them look weak. Their friends make fun of them for acting like good boyfriends. And so, they must act like they’re somewhere in between single and taken. And cool girlfriends just put up with that. But I just couldn’t be a doormat. We tend to think the opposite of the cool girlfriend is the crazy girlfriend. We’re all so afraid of being the crazy girlfriend or being with the crazy girlfriend.
I’m not saying we need to monitor our boyfriends but I’m also not a fan of being in the dark. I don’t want to pretend to be into things that I’m not or to act like I’m okay with things that I’m not. Though I’m thrilled that I grew out of being that insecure and jealous girlfriend, I’m happy I’m not the cool girlfriend either. Because, I wasn’t looking to be half in a relationship and half single. You’re either in or out. I didn’t want to have things expected of me yet not feel the right to expect the same from the men I dated. I also didn’t want to be cautious about being myself in fear that I’d be that not so cool girlfriend. I wanted to be in a relationship not a friendship with benefits.
So what’s a girl to do if she’s not supposed to be the cool girlfriend? Be you’re f#cking self. Of course I’ve learned to find balance, I do some things that he enjoys that maybe I’m not that into. I try to accept his friends, even the assholes. I compromise the things that I can. I don’t believe in being controlling or being controlled. I think it’s all about respect, and if I feel like I’m being respected I don’t have a problem. I’ve learned there’s a fine line between being the cool girl and the doormat. Perhaps most importantly, I know that asking for or expecting transparency, respect, and love doesn’t make me crazy. And honestly, when you’re with the right person, being yourself is like being the “cool girlfriend” to them.
And whatever happened to those “cool girlfriends”? They were mistreated, lied to, and cheated on. Every. Single. One. I don’t think they deserved it. But, sometimes being cool about everything gives people the notion that it’s okay to walk all over you.